Amazing Women in My Life Part 2

I'm in a time of transition, waiting and quite frankly a little bit of chaos and lack of familiar structure.  I just began week 1 of what I consider to be our week and a half of finals.  I have a test and presentations this week and to top it off four tests in two days next week.  Thoughts of the future (where in the world do I want to live? Travel? What area of OT might I work in?) continually pop in my head.  I can visually see time slipping through my hands.  I'm exhausted from my current state.  And, conversely, wired.  I'm basically a little on edge, liable to burst into some silly antic, a fury of productivity or tears at practically any moment.    

I talked to my best friend Bri today.  I was avoiding studying and, really, talking to her gave me a great excuse.  We started texting later (one conversation a day really isn't enough).  This is how the conversation went:

Me: I don't want to study anymore.  Is there a best friend version of running away together? Like a Friendlopment?

Bri:  I'm going to go with yes?  Come to New Zealand!!! [She's going over Christmas/New Years for two weeks]

Me:  Ok!

Bri:  Air New Zealand... Ready go

Me:  I am ready, I just don't know if I've mastered the magical go  

Bri:  Ah true.  We'll look up apartments down there [bay area] ya?

Me: Yes.  Btw I think the last text I sent is the story of my life right now

Bri:  You're magic

Perfect response that made my day?  Yes, yes it was.  She has a way of doing that, being exactly what I need.  Bri is also so beautifully constant as friend.  It doesn't matter if she has a boyfriend.  It doesn't matter if we are two states away, on different continents.  She has this unbelievable ability to maintain her friendships.  I've learned so much from her about that.  About the limitless strength of a female friendship.  We've never had a huge fight.  I think we may have had one little tiff before we became as close as we are now.  Living with her works so well, I never get tired of her.  Being away from her has been one of the hardest parts of moving southward.  

But I have this idea.  (She has it too, really).  That she and I will sometime very soon be living in the same fabulous city (probably same apartment), exploring and adventuring together.  Its like this movie that plays out in my head, I can see it happening so clearly.  The credits cut on us walking down one of those city streets: great shoes, wide smiles and all those unending, transcendent friendship secrets bubbling over and sparkling on the sidewalk around us.   

 

Anthony Bourdain-inspired dreams

I woke up this morning instantly feeling dissatisfied.  This is unusual for me.  I would say half a day or so normally passes before I feel dissatisfied if that is how I am going to feel that day.  I quickly realized why I awoke with such an odd feeling: a dream.  Now, before I went to bed I happened to catch Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations in Ireland.  So I dreamt I was in Ireland.  Walking along the rolling green hills, peering into various enticing pubs, watching road bowling (which was one of Anthony's activities).  I later in the dream jetted to New York and took in some of the spectacular NYC lifestyle.  Then I awoke.  

I believe the travel bug is biting my quite persistently.  It's almost feels like a necessity: go somewhere new, see something I've never seen, change the way I see the world and the other people who are inhabiting it alongside me.  The problem is I'm not exactly sure when the bug can be satisfied.  So for know I'll just dream and plan future trips that will occur at an unidentified date in the future.        

Perfect Day

Saturday was an amazing day.  I went to a beach in Marin with my friend Noah and his friend David.  The weather was literally unbelievable to a Pacific NW girl like myself.  It had to be upper 70's/80's.  We actually got in the water and it felt amazing and refreshing.  We just played around like little kids, and, as Noah said, photosynthesized.  Then we finished the day with a little action in the form of 007.  That night I was so perfectly exhausted I didn't make it past 11:30.  It was the best night of sleep I've had in a while.  

Great day.      

Turmoil

This morning I took my turmoil to church wondering what I would find when I arrived. Would there be picketers outside as there were at the Mormon church, people upset about the Passing of Proposition 8?

I'm having issues with Prop 8. I'm not a registered California voter but it is impossible to not get involved in the issue considering it affects people around me, some of my classmates, my new friends. Proposition 8 (f0r those who do not know) bans gay marriage. A large portion of its funding came from the Mormon Church (thus the picketing outside the temple this morning).

To be completely honest Prop 8 upsets me. Laying aside the specifics of it, a group of people in our country are being denied a legal transaction because of their sexuality. I understand why the church would want this to pass. I understand that as Christians we have to fight for our principles, our morals and what we believe in. But at what cost? Will we as Christians ever be able to convince the picketers outside the temple this morning that we do indeed love them and care about them, no matter our voting decisions? Because the reality is that this group of people and many others sees Prop 8 as an infringement of civil rights, similar to racism and segregation. How can we convince them we care when they feel they are being judged because of who they are? I can't help but think that Prop 8 is pushing many people of different backgrounds and with different stories away from the church. The older I get and the more I see of this world the more I realize that what it needs most is more love and compassion and less judgement. I want to treat people as Jesus would treat them and, though I frequently fail, I want that to be my core. Loving people as Jesus would and does.

I realize this is an incendiary topic and I hope you readers understand my heart on this. Because it comes down to this: people in my life who I have come to see as my friends are feeling discriminated against and its upsetting.

When I did get to church there were no signs outside. During the sermon our Pastor explained that he thinks of our church as neither right wing or left wing but the whole bird which 1) made me smile and 2) really encouraged me. He spoke of all political ideologies coming together in the church. I don't know how we are supposed to deal with this issue. I don't have the answers. But I am struggling with how it is currently being treated. I pray that we can find a different, better way.

Just some thoughts from this wild week...

First: regardless of how you personally feel about the outcome of Tuesdays election (I for one am thrilled) you have got to be excited about the way the American public showed up and participated.  Young, old, every color under the sun getting out there and (I believe) setting record numbers at the poles.  That's incredible and has been really inspiring to me.  I'm proud of my country and the way American citizens beat off that complacency that so easily overtakes us to participate and hope for a different country than the one we've got in front of us right now.  My hope is that the passion that fueled this election will unite and inspire our country helping us become who we want to be.  

Second: I've realized I can monitor my own personal deep-down happiness with three simple questions about my daily doings:  

Am I singing?  

Am I dancing?  

Am I listening to music?  

It doesn't mean that I set out a time for these things.  It means I'm singing at the top of my lungs while driving, dancing down the hallway on the way to the kitchen and listening to music while doing homework even though it sometimes distracts me.  These just seem to be the ways my joy takes form, becomes tangible.  Good general information for me to know about myself.  

Third: apparently it's November

Masochist?

Moving to a sunnier state may, in the end, just punish me.  It is still basically gorgeous outside and oh, wait I have three midterms and a presentation this week.  The sunsets have been a brilliant red and I would love to have a cup of tea or coffee every night and sit out on the back porch and watch those glowing lights fade over the city of San Francisco, the rolling landscape and slips of water.  But, no.  Its inside studying, burying my face in the real Gray's Anatomy (which I do find interesting but not nearly as much so as the TV show).  This afternoon I wanted to run down by Lake Merritt which is a lovely run/walk that takes about an hour and a half.  Which is more time than I can afford right now.  So I hopped on the treadmill for about twenty minutes then headed down to the cadaver lab.  A thrilling way to enjoy the afternoon sunshine.  I'm not complaining and I really have had many opportunities to enjoy this lovely, mild October weather.  But being a Pacific NW girl, I feel its necessary to seize every sunshine opportunity because I know they can disappear all too quickly.  And the weather is just starting to turn.  But for the rest of the week I'm going to resist my urges and stay buried in those flashcards and books that I really love so much.  Keeping my eye on the prize :)    

Soon I will be a pretzel...

I attended my first yoga class yesterday. I've tried to stay active through all the transitions that have happened in the past year and have done a pretty good job of it. Lately, though, its been mostly running and not much else. When i found out there is a free yoga class tuesdays and thursdays during lunch at school I figured, heck, its as good a time as any to try it out. The flexibility could only help me. What i hadn't planned on was the class challenging my strength, which it definitely did. Trying hard to hold a plank pose with my arms shaking i came to the realization that I had not lifted weights or participated in any kind of resistance training in a while and my arms are not as strong as they used to be. Maybe not a good thing. I felt it further when I rolled out of bed this morning and realized my entire upper back was tender. I swear, sneezing today almost threw out my entire back. But I'm excited about the class because its something new and different and challenging I can add to my fitness regimen. Just another interesting life transition.

Amazing Women in my Life Part 1

I've decided to start this series so I'm going to begin with a disclaimer: this is in no particular order of amazingness or impact on my life. The series may be scattered throughout time and punctuated by many other posts. Please know that I do not mean to diminish your influence in my life if I have not yet blogged about you. Whew, ok.


I've been in awe this entire summer of two beautiful women in my life. Both have handled pregnancies and childbirth at the age of 23. Both gave birth naturally, bringing their babies into a world where pain was not regulated by drugs but by their own personal strength and relationships. I have eagerly read Annie's blogs, following her adaptation to motherhood and admired her honesty and completely pure adoration of Ellie. With every line she writes and picture she posts I can see her love for her daughter and marvel at the impact I know it is already having on Ellie. I look forward to seeing Ellie's development in such a beautiful, nuturing environment. Joy just brought little Jude into the world just several weeks ago. Talking to her on the phone she sounded as energetic as always and gushed about how wonderful Jude is. I realized how long it had been since I've seen her and how much I miss her.



I am amazed at the transformations I have seen take place in Joy and Annie. Further amazed by the fact that they are still the women I have always known. Yes, motherhood is a life and personally altering experience. Yet through this, their cores remain the same. I do not feel ostricized because they have new roles and responsibilities that I do not have. They have made me feel amazingly included in their experiences, made me a part of their motherhood. Thinking of their roles as moms literally brings tears to my eyes- I feel so proud and honored to watch them grow in their experiences. The two products of their motherhood (Elianna and Jude) clearly display their quick learning and adaptation to their new lifestyles.

I have recieved so much joy in my life just simply watching them in and hearing about their new roles. It completely blesses me in ways I dont even understand. But I do know I can't look at a single picture of them these days without the hugest smile covering my face. They're just plain great at the things they do, making them pretty amazing women.

Transitioning

In the span of just a few days I went from gorgeous Lake Chelan with its relaxed pace of life and endless fun to Oakland. During the summer I felt thoroughly cleansed every time I slipped into the cool waters of Lake Chelan. It was refreshing, renewing. A sort of baptism every day that helped me shed all the stresses and anxieties of life and enjoy the beauty of nature. The small town was fun, and helped me integrate into a social circle in just a matter of months. It was a community. And to top it off I was living with my best friend.

Now don't be fooled, I chose to go to school in Oakland. I could have tried to stay in Tacoma or apply to a school in Oregon. But I wanted a different experience and believed the diversity of the bay area would give me that different experience.

However, the transition from small resort town to Oakland was rough. I was moving into homelessness, crashing with gracious cousins who offered me their home. And the humanity seemed to press in on me from all sides. I couldn't feel the spaces between me and the surrounding landscape, just bodies moving and pulsing all around. To finish it off it was oppressively hot, with no lake to cool my sticky skin. The first few days I heavily questioned my decision.

Then Saturday arrived. The sky was filled with sweet clouds that finally gave relief from the heat. And I visited two houses I instantly felt comfortable and excited about it. With my housing positively in motion the weather cooling and increased conversations and planned visits with friends in the area I gained a little space to breathe, comfort. And that space has increased every day creating room. In this transition I am learning patience and that sometimes time is necessary to smooth out the wrinkles in life. I know I am pushing myself into new and sometimes difficult situations that in the end will only contribute to my development as a complete person. And that's a great feeling.

*A big thank you to the family for prayers and thoughts. They always come at the perfect moment.

Pass Go

Going home for me is like passing go in monopoly. Its necessary: the game, life does not function wthout it. When I pass go I recieve something of value, worth. It could be a car (as it was on this last trip home) but it is also the less tangible time and moments and love that I feel pulsing from my family when I'm with them. Its my little brother being strong and tall enough to pick me up out of the blue like I'm a toddler. Its seing the beautiful new family my oldest brother has recently been blessed with. Its time with aunts and uncles, grandma and cousins. These valuable gifts I recieve after passing go illuminate my heart and make me glow with so much warmth and love I hardly know what to do with them.

Calves

Apparently, I have ridiculously large and noticeable calves. Now, I have always known my legs are no small entity. They are large and strong and though I used to hate how they would rub together and cause every single pair of shorts to ride quickly upwards I have come to love them and find them beautiful in their purposefulness. They get me everywhere these days, have taken me all over Buenos Aires and the streets of San Francisco.

I didn't think my calves were disproportionate to me thighs. Actually, I don't think they are. They just have been getting a lot of attention lately. Before this summer I had a handful of comments on my legs. With my friends Andrew and Mike I was part of the UPS Calve-alry (think cavalry), our own little club of big calve-ness. So I thought I was aware of their size. Then this summer came along and practically EVERYONE I have encountered has commented on my calves. At work, my nickname is actually calves. My coworkers want to touch them, which is a little odd (and a privilege given to only a select few). They all want me to flex-just once, please? Its not a bad thing, many are honestly envious and/or complementary of them. But an encounter last night tops them all. I was out after work having a drink. For whatever reason I was trying to see over heads and naturally went up on my tippy toes to do so. A random never-before-seen guy passing by practically stops in his tracks. "Wow, you have huge calves!" He points them out to his friends, asks me to flex then after I hide them against the wall continues on his way. It was like a drive-by. I was left stunned. The thing was, he was kinda hitting on me. Now, traditional methods of complementing a woman do not usually include her calf size. Apparently I inspire very nontraditional game. Though in the moment, out at a Senor Frogs, I didn't really know how to handle the encounter I can definitely laugh about it now. And add it to my growing list of calf complements.

Just an after thought: I tell people that my calf size is genetic, if they saw the rest of my family they would understand, but I can't help but wonder if my years of tip-toe walking have in anyway influenced my calf size. I may never know.

Go World

This is the most touching commercial I've possibly ever seen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BU3jfbb172E

It blows my mind because they are selling a product. Doing a very good job at selling the product. But the story is just so incredible and beautiful that I don't really care how it gets out there. I just am happy that its out there, I now know about it and can share it with you.

Just a side note when my housemate Bri and I saw this for the first time we looked at each other when it had finished and started bawling. Literally, full-on crying. Its that good.

Almost Too Much Beauty

It seems I am being bombarded with beauty in multiple forms lately. I wake up every morning to the beauty of Lake Chelan and the mountains that seem to stand watch, guarding the lake. I live every day with the comfort of one of my lovely best friends. I have a gorgeous family who coninually love and support me from miles away. And the newest addition, my niece Elianna Joy, is the most beautiful baby girl I could ever imagine. In short, I am experiencing a wonderful summer filled with incredible experiences and lots of relaxation and play. Today my heart just seems to burst with all that is has been given and I am soaking up all these golden moments of perfection and joy.

My Nomadic Life

In the past four years, I have spent at most eight months in one living space. That was this past year, all in the little house on the corner of 21st and Lawrence with the beautiful women who enrich my life beyond words. Other than that its been about four months per house/apartment/dorm/sorority. With two more moves in the next four months or so I've come to realize I am a nomad. Never staying anywhere too long, learning to get rid of non-essentials and pack light (yes, I, Monica Groves, have learned how to pack light): this has been my collegiate lifestyle. It's beginning to take a toll. I enjoy the new places/experiences/people and understand that these new things widen my perspective but I want to lay down some roots at some point in time. Looking ahead I still am unsure when this will happen. The future (as it always will) holds unanswerable questions that may completely obliterate my vague ideas about when and where I will quit the nomadic life. Keeps everything interesting if nothing else.

And in the rare case that someone reading is not one of my immediate family members and doesn't talk to me on a weekly basis I have decided on occupational therapy grad school in Oakland this fall after a lovely summer with my wonderful friend Bri in Chelan, WA.

Inarticulate Times

I'm living in an inarticulate phase of my life. The things I'm experiencing, I just can't replicate or express with anything other than the wide range of emotions that accompany them. But I'm working on it. I have a couple drafts just sitting in my "edit posts" list waiting for me to add to them, bring them to life. Well, they may have to sit a bit longer. Because processing the last four years is a daunting task. Looking ahead to whats coming is an even bigger project.

Somehow, magically I'm enjoying it all. The girl who needed everything planned out, solidified and wrapped in a pretty little package is learning to make things happen and also allow things to happen, the latter obviously being the most difficult for me. I'm listening to music I've loved since high school and singing everyday. I'm realizing how I've grown and remembering the ways in which I will never change. It bittersweet, but mostly sweet. And by the grace of God, I've stopped fearing and begun trying, learning and growing, accepting that I too can make mistakes. What a beautiful thing.

Our Mailman

Our mailman is my new role model. He walks around delivering the mail with his headphones firmly planted in his ears. And he sings. As loud and as much as he wants to. Not a single concern about who is around listening, looking at him like he's a little off.

Just singing his song unashamedly and, without knowing, inspiring me to do the same.

Anxiety Monster

Its hard to concentrate after spring break. The idea is that you have a week off to rest, explore, travel or whatever and then come back to classes rejuvinated and ready to bang out the rest of the semester. It used to work for me, I think. But I suddenly have acute onset senioritis. Exploring grad schools and the new area of the country I will probably be living in just increases my desire to get out of here. Its so easy to think about the new experiences I will be having and the fact that I will soon be on a much more clearly defined career path. And the anxiety monster peaks its head out. It trys to make me unhappy and discontent with the place I am at. Though I am excited to be planning for grad school I also want to enjoy the time I have here with the people who have been my family the past four years. So I'm trying to battle the anxiety monster and enjoy every last minute of my senior year. But its difficult. Even when I get to the place where I realize how great it is being here with my friends I get anxious about leaving them. To solve this problem I'm trying to read because I truly believe the right book can help subdue the crazy that seems to come out of me from time to time. The two books my mom has given me this past semester and the bible are what I'm focusing on. I've also thumbed through the passages in Anne Lamott's Plan B that I marked. These two in particular stuck out to me today:

"Life is not what one had in mind; it's not the TV sitcoms or the commercials, or the photo of the Sudanese baby. It's punishing. It makes you want to punish back."

"Hope is not about proving anything. It's about choosing to believe this one thing, that love is bigger than any grim, bleak shit anyone can throw at us."

In my heart, in this moment, they somehow work together beautifully. And for the moment I've conquered the monster.

I Like to Wander

Its seems a little screwy, a little unusual. But I like to wander around big cities by myself. I think its the anonymity, the ability to encounter solitude while being part of a mass of human beings that attracts me. No one knowing my name, where I'm from, my life story. There is something freeing in this. It makes me stop and think. Then look around at everyone else. Both seem to be good for me (although thinking can get me in trouble sometimes and lead me in loops around my head). This is what the San Francisco portion of my spring break has been. Learning the city by car, public transportation and foot. I've allowed my mind to run amuck as I walk through the streets until I can't handle my own thoughts than stopped and stared at the Bay, the boats, the bridges and the people. It seems to pomote a feeeling of independence amidst anxieties about the future and moving away from the home and security I've built in Tacoma. And I have found pieces of the Bay that remind me of Puget Sound, slips of San Francisco that make me recall Buenos Aires. I've encountered a feeling of familiarity in this new experience. And a glimpse of what life could be like next year.

One Year Ago

One year ago today I was on my way to Argentina. I'm still nostalgic, still have my "one time in Argentina" moments. And the picture at the top of this very page is from my spring break in Mendoza. I kinda fell asleep on the side of the road near these gorgeous trees. And then of course had to take a picture to remember how great it was snoozing near the small town of Uspallata.

I'm planning on having another good, international trip in about five years. If I had endless funds this good international trip would happen, oh, tomorrow. But for now I'll just have my moments of nostalgia for BA (which by the way are all too appropriate considering it is the birthplace of the very melancholic and nostalgic tango) and continue watching Samantha Brown's various travels on the travel channel. And dream of my next international adventure.

Captivating

One of the many truths I have had my eyes opened to by the book Captivating by Stasi and John Eldredge (Wild at Heart) is that God is a romantic. He sends us frequent gifts that are meant to romance our hearts and draw us towards him. If I had any lingering doubt about this after finishing the book, the beautiful weather lately and incredible view of the Sound completely erased them. Two dozen roses can't compete with the Olympic Mountains and this picture does them no justice.

Unnatural

I officialy have an unnatural love of beef products. It's actually gross. It doesn't matter if its a Slim Jim, Jack's Link or Oberto, I will gobble it up and love every minute of it. This love extends mostly to beef sticks and jerky. I have a particular obsession with peppered beef jerky because, well, I also love pepper. The other day, however, this preference for processed meat pushed itself to the limit. I had to go down into the basement of our student union center. I needed to pick some things up at the bookstore and on my way I decided I should stop at our pizza/snack place and indulge in a personal package of Oberto teri jerky. I chewed happily on my snack as I roamed the bookstore, finding the things I needed. When it came time to get in the checkout line I noticed the bookstore had an array of beef products near the register. Now, what should happen in normal people is this internal dialogue: "Man those cocktail pep sticks look good... but I did just polish off a bag of jerky. Maybe next time." What happened in my head: "Man, those cocktail pep sticks look good... I've gotta have 'em!" So I bought them. After eating several of the sticks I knew it had been a bad decision. But I saw the decision through to the end and had finished off the bag by the end of the night. I am now on an official self-imposed beef product restriction. It's really for the best.

OT School!

One of the coolest progressions/processes of my life is happening right now. Since the end of last semester, I have become interested in occupational therapy. I've learned more and more about it since than and reached the point where I decided I wanted to do this, further my studies in an MOT program. Unfortunately, I am lacking a few prerequisites. I figured I'ld get those knocked out the fall of next year and then continue on to apply for grad school. Turns out after more research that there are still several programs that I'm interested in and can still apply for. I just will have to complete the prereqs this summer. So from about November of last year to this week in 2008 I have gone from being interested in OT to preparing to apply to several OT programs. To me, this is one of the most exciting discoveries of my life. I feel compelled about a career and field and am in a position where I can pursue it as soon as possible.

It's going to be work getting to the place where I've fulfilled all the admission requirments I'm looking at because most programs require an amount of volunteering in addition to the classes I'm lacking. So I'm focusing now on breathing and taking this process step by step until I've found the right program and can pursue this dream.