Community

Ooh, this is such a tender spot right now.  Because after all my time in Oakland I still am feeling a lack of community.  Especially after having and experiencing such a tight knit community at Puget Sound and within the volleyball team, the absence of community now lingers in my heart, won't be pushed aside.  Living alone, in all honesty, doesn't help.  I can see now that living with others is an amazing way to build community.  I am glad to have experienced living by myself and enjoy many aspects of having my own place but can recognize that giving up control over every aspect of my living environment in order to live in community with others is probably healthier and more beneficial for me.

I have especially been considering community within the church lately.  I've realized I've never had a community within the churches I've attended.  My family was the more prominent community in the church I grew up in and though I did form some relationships I never felt part of a true community there.  I wonder now if I really know how to form my own community, especially in the church.  I want to.  I have been making small, flailing attempts in the church I'm a part of now.  I tried to join a small group my first year living in Oakland, but the group was new and took months to form.  The group finally began meeting just as I was leaving for the summer.  This past semester I tried to become a member but had my interview appointment (the second step in the membership process) changed and then ultimately canceled.  The church then changed the format of its membership course and I still haven't gone through the entire process.  I am now going to try and become part of the volunteer team at the church, hopefully with better results.  I don't know that anyone is at fault in any of these situations, they just didn't work out.  I wonder why they haven't worked out, though, and what if anything I could be doing different.  I know I could be friendlier in church services and try to engage other members and form relationships.  This is not easy.  It is in fact difficult for me to sit in a church service, a lone, young woman and try and create relationships.  Especially when it seems everyone else is there with their significant other/friend/family member and I am the only person on the face of the planet attending a church service alone.  Yet, I also know it is what I want.  I know my failed attempts to form community in the past make me more reluctant to continue trying, bruise my most innermost ego.  And I am coming to an impasse wherein I either need to let go of my own insecurities, self-consciousness and preconceptions and figure out how to build my own community or I don't let go and continue in this state of community-less-ness (yes, I did just make that a word).  I'll let you know how it goes.