I Lost My Heart in San Francisco

Cheesy title, I know, I just couldn't resist when dedicating this post to the city on the bay.  San Francisco has the reputation as a city of romance and charm for a very good reason: it is utterly romantic and charming.  My friend Chelsey lives in the city and has found great apartments in the most charming neighborhoods.  Her first apartment was in Noe Valley, the hot spot for young parents with children under the age of five-ish.  The houses are charming and it has a small main street that makes it feel like an intimate community in the midst of a giant city.  She now lives in the inner sunset, the neighborhood adjacent to and containing UCSF.  It also lies on the edge of Golden Gate Park.  I just went to her new apartment for the first time on Friday night. I was reminded that one of the most striking parts about San Francisco that creates its atmosphere and sets it apart from other cities is the style of the houses.  I could walk all day long and look at the houses.  Up and down every street noting how that one has a gorgeous trellis with leafy vines and that one has the cutest garage door; and oh, the bay windows!  Snug cafes, intimate bars and exotic restaurants squish together and line the main avenues.

I am aware that not every single street of the city of San Francisco fits this exact description.  It is a big city and thus has areas that fall under the category of "inner city" and "urban".  However, it has somehow maintained the charm of its old houses and snug streets and not allowed the "urban" label to gobble it up whole and turn it into any generic big city.  It has a distinct flavor.

I often kick myself for not moving to the city.  Don't get me, wrong, I have loved discovering Oakland and building my own idea of what it is about.  I love being close to Lake Merritt; the run around the lake has become my all-time favorite.  I like how Oakland isn't as pretentious as San Francisco; because of its notorious reputation people don't have an attitude.  I especially like being ten minutes from school.  That was a big factor in keeping me in Oakland.  The possible commute from San Francisco made me irritated just thinking about it.  However, almost every time I get into one of those cozy SF neighborhoods, I start to think... ooh it would be delightful to live here.  I might just have to keep wandering those cute streets on the weekends for now and finding the bits of Oakland I love too.          

Something New

There's a new kind of stress in town theses days, a new kind of exhaustion.  Were I have completely adapted to the stresses of being a student I am now facing the emotions associated with leaving that role and leaping into a new one.  I am wondering if my education has prepared me fully; can two years truly prepare an OT student to enter fieldwork where at the end they take on the full load of an entry-level occupational therapist?  I stress because I don't feel entirely prepared or confident about starting my fieldwork.  And the question remains, will I, in the next 6-8 months, become the kind of OT that I want to be upon officially entering the field?  Will I be any good at this job I've spent two years and unthinkable amounts of money that I do not currently possess working towards?  I want to believe that it will all work out, I really do.  History (my own and that of my program) tells me it will, but with the novelty of the situation I can't be sure.

More than worrying about my preparation and what kind of an OT I will turn out to be, there is also the stress of a changing lifestyle.  As a student you may have afternoons off, though they can be filled with homework. I will soon transition to working full eight hour days.  My fall fieldwork will start at 7 AM,  which I predict means I'll be in bed by approximately 9-10 every night.  Joining the rat race if you will.  I wonder if my satisfaction with my chosen profession and use of my free time will be enough to keep the little kid in me going.  I don't want to lose her to the stress of increased responsibility and perceived constraints of a full time job.  Essentially, I am wondering how balancing my life will look from here forward.  There is a lot of adjustment that is going to take place very soon.  And I'm scared.  There are moments of excitement but it is sometimes hard to imagine how all these changes could occur seamlessly and without conflict.  These thoughts are leaving my with tension through my shoulders and upper back and a good amount of exhaustion as I enter the last couple weeks of didactic coursework, at the same time hanging on the promise of what could soon be.