Day 1

Beginning day 1 of two weeks without dairy to try and figure out what exactly is wrong with my digestive system. Lord, have mercy.

Enter the REAL grad school experience

It turns out my last academic year was a kind of fantasy in which I thought that I would slide through my graduate experience with flying colors and no stress spending every night curled up in bed watching an assortment of tv programs or reading or enjoying the bay area etc. I've come to a schreeching halt this semester with the start of clinic.

Clinic means real people as patients. And DOCUMENTATION!! And feeling like I will never be able to do any of this on my own in any kind of reasonable time. Conscious incompetence is what one of our professors last year called it when you are painfully and uncomfortably aware that you are not quite capable. That pretty much sums up the last two weeks. And, yes, I am getting ahead of myself worrying about my competence in the future. Chances are I will indeed learn how to do all the things I need to do at the right time. But it currently took my group (myself and two other students) three+ hours to complete documentation for an initial evaluation. Many working therapists see several evals a day on top of their other patients. And complete the documentation THAT DAY, BY THEMSELVES! Holy moley that seems impossible right now. And I've found I'm impatient. I want to instantly be the most perfect student therapist who ever was. But thats never how its going to be. I'm now beginning to grasp what its going to look like to stay current in my field and continue to use best practice techniques that are rooted in evidence. Especially in my early years as a therapists. Its going to look a lot like I'm still in school at times. Going home and studying and researching.

It's honestly overwhelming. But I think it would be cause for worry if I didn't feel this way.

So here I am. I woke up late for class Thursday and magically pulled a muscle in my upper back in the course of rushing to get to school on time. I got a kicking haircut on a lovely Friday afternoon. I watched the entire first season of Arrested Development this weekend because anything that entailed leaving the house seemed to require too much effort. But I did muster the strength to leave the house and explore downtown Oakland and discovered some new things. And went to church then ran into a UPS friend at the market after. And, in general, currently spend a good portion of every day missing various people that I've found myself far from by my own doing which means I can't feel sorry for myself.

Yep, not exactly smooth sailing this year. But I'll definitely learn something by the end.

Still in search of the illusive "home"

Is it a person, place or thing?  My favorite grocery store?  Beach volleyball?  The ocean? The mountains? 

Or maybe the most perfect sunset you will only see once in your life?  

Life...

Is complicated, messy and nonsensical at times. Makes things difficult in one moment and beautiful in the next.

I and many others lost a friend this past week. Beau Jacobsen was so full of life and energy. He was living his dreams with a pearl farming business in Fiji with his friend Alex. He played football at UPS and everyday when he was walking out to practice he yelled out "GOOOOOO VOLLEYBALL!!" in the most fantastic way you could ever imagine. We all loved it. When I saw him this past summer I told him how much we loved that holler and how I had missed it my last season (he graduated the year before me). He didn't hesitate to bust out the "Go volleyball" right then and there just for me. We went wine tasting together in Chelan. He helped me get over my silly frustrations and enjoy a game of mini golf. He had an awesome collection of Chuck Norris shirts. My guess is he left everyone he met with at least one if not endless positive, happy memories and thoughts.

Can't make sense of this kind of tragic loss. Can only breathe, smile at the amazing memories and keep his family and closest friends in thought and prayer.

Just a thought...

Do you remember the transition when little kids getting hurt or crying (for one reason or another) started to seem kinda funny? Most of the time its probably because they look so darn precious crying those big crocodile tears. But maybe there are times when we laugh to hide the fact that deep down inside sometimes we still hurt that same way we did when we were that small.

I'm on a Concert High!

Sometimes I get musically restless.  My favorite artists sound boring and the radio doesn't seem to provide the cure for my longing.  It's similar to when you are craving a particular food but have NO idea what that food is.  You go to the market blindly hoping you'll eventually encounter what you are craving, endlessly scouring the isles.  You open the fridge fifteen times in five minutes checking to see if what you've desired has magically appeared.  What I had wanted without knowing was the Alternate Routes and Matt Wertz performing live at Slim's.  What?  You say you've never heard of them?  That was the real beauty of the concert.  These are two GREAT musical acts.  But they haven't "made it big" yet.  So they played in a small venue in San Francisco and I got to meet them and hear a little bit about them and actually see their faces while they were performing.  They really were fantastic and energizing live performers.  Not like some bands you hear these days that are garbage live.  Real, true musicians.  The Alternate Routes lead singer Tim reminds me of one of my favorite artists Ray Lamontagne and he plays the harmonica as well!  There is something in their style that's a little folksy, a little country but they've also got a great rock sound.  During one of their songs, Tim used a tool box with something heavy inside as percussion.  It can't be explained, it was just super cool and imaginative and perfect for the song.  Plus, their bass player has longish, voluminous red hair and he let my friend Chelsey touch it after she had been admiring it all night.  Matt Wertz belongs in the category of Jason Mraz and John Mayer.  He's written these incredibly romantic songs that just melt my heart (I may have actually found the song I want played at my wedding- it's called "I Will Not Take My Love Away" but my future husband may have a say in that, haha.  Anyways, he's that kind of romantic).  I was in love with him halfway through his set because of his music AND his personality.  He sat up there and somehow managed to chat with everyone in the room at the same time making it feel very intimate and real.  He also took time to talk about Africa and his experiences traveling there.  He endorses a really great organization that helps women who have been part of the sex industry.  All the while saying he's really not the type of person to do this sort of thing, trying to take himself out of the equation and really highlight the organization.  I didn't have to look at anyone on a TV screen and woke up the next morning singing the Alternate Routes song Ain't No Secret (The concert may have actually infiltrated my dreams).  I've had their music in my head since Saturday.  I stupidly didn't buy any CD's at the concert so had to hike out to Best Buy the next day to make sure I could get my fix whenever I wanted it but the trip was oh, so worth it.  I wish I could hear them play every night.  And don't you worry, I won't leave you hanging: their websites

myspace.com/alternateroutes.com

mattwertz.com

Hope you enjoy them as much as I have.

SLO "spring" break wrap-up

I took a trip for our faux spring break to visit San Luis Obispo on the Central Coast with one of my classmates who grew up there. In a jumble of words this is what the experience was: new piercing and bonding with our piercer, green rolling hills, ocean, the sweetest kitties I've ever met (seriously, they may have turned me into a cat person), reggae concert (the band was SOJA), boutique shopping, longboard adventure to the corner market (with one board almost lost to traffic), windy nights, anti-Valentines day party with great dinner and movies, fresh air, windy and rainy Pismo Beach, surfboards everywhere, colorful post-it notes turning a car windshield into a feathered bird (post-its are apparently the new tp), farmer's market in Moro Bay with legit chai tea and olives and an overturned toilet in the Women's restroom of a pub (it was literally completely on its side). Essentially, a whole lotta goodness. And to ruin it all, we had a mid-term the DAY after our break ended. Mid terms continue to kick me in the face into this next week as the semester flies by...

Pop!

I recently rediscovered Bubble Tape.  You know, 6 feet of bubble gum?  Its as fun as I remembered.

Singled Out

So I magically remembered...

I've come to a very exciting place where I am happy being single.  I think this is important for several reasons.  First, how many women actually get to this point?  Unfortunately, I think its still pretty rare to find a woman who is single and really, truly, deep-down ok with it.  I'm pretty proud to count myself among these few.  Secondly, and this is going to sound selfish, but I get to make decisions based 100 percent on what I want.  I don't have to think of anyone else.  I have complete freedom.  Now this has actually helped me become less selfish in many ways.  I want to maintain my close friendships so I'm learning how to work at that through long distances.  If I want to spend the afternoon calling every single one of my close friends I can do that.  It applies to bigger decisions as well- I want to spend my summer in Hawaii and Washington, so (circumstances permitting) I'm going to.  No worrying about maintaining a relationship over distance for the summer.  What's really cool about this is that when I find someone who makes me want to hand in my singleness I know I will be more than happy to give up the freedom I currently have.  But while I have it I'm going to enjoy the heck out of it.  Thirdly, being single has uncomplicated my life.  It has allowed me to focus on all sorts of other things like my friendships, family, school etc.  Fourthly, whenever I date from now on I will hopefully focus on the things I truly want in another person.  I won't be dating with the small fear of being alone in the back of my mind, causing me to shift my ideals.  This will hopefully give me the patience needed to wait for the person who fits well with me and my ideals.  

I don't mean to sound smug in my singleness.  I know relationships and marriage are a great adventure that have their own set of positives to replace the ones listed above.  I know I'll enjoy discovering these perks when the time comes.  They're fantastic for different reasons.  But as someone who always wanted to find their perfect match early on in life (I always envisioned college sweethearts) I'm proud to be in this place in my life.  So I'm bragging about my accomplishments on my blog a little.  I hope you'll allow me this little self indulgence.  I promise I'll brag about someone I love next entry.            

A little help?

I have a problem. I have these great ideas for blog entries that quickly zip into my mind grapes (30 Rock, anyone?) then step right on out just as quickly. Any thoughts on how to keep them buzzing around until I can squeeze them out at the appropriate time? Maybe I need to start carrying around some sort of notepad and writing utensil to capture thoughts before they float away? This inability to hold onto my own thoughts is partially responsible for my inconsistency blogging. Well, that and the whole graduate school thing. But as we all know studying can easily be put off so I'm convinced the real culprit is my own memory. Any help is greatly appreciated.