Anxiety Monster

Its hard to concentrate after spring break. The idea is that you have a week off to rest, explore, travel or whatever and then come back to classes rejuvinated and ready to bang out the rest of the semester. It used to work for me, I think. But I suddenly have acute onset senioritis. Exploring grad schools and the new area of the country I will probably be living in just increases my desire to get out of here. Its so easy to think about the new experiences I will be having and the fact that I will soon be on a much more clearly defined career path. And the anxiety monster peaks its head out. It trys to make me unhappy and discontent with the place I am at. Though I am excited to be planning for grad school I also want to enjoy the time I have here with the people who have been my family the past four years. So I'm trying to battle the anxiety monster and enjoy every last minute of my senior year. But its difficult. Even when I get to the place where I realize how great it is being here with my friends I get anxious about leaving them. To solve this problem I'm trying to read because I truly believe the right book can help subdue the crazy that seems to come out of me from time to time. The two books my mom has given me this past semester and the bible are what I'm focusing on. I've also thumbed through the passages in Anne Lamott's Plan B that I marked. These two in particular stuck out to me today:

"Life is not what one had in mind; it's not the TV sitcoms or the commercials, or the photo of the Sudanese baby. It's punishing. It makes you want to punish back."

"Hope is not about proving anything. It's about choosing to believe this one thing, that love is bigger than any grim, bleak shit anyone can throw at us."

In my heart, in this moment, they somehow work together beautifully. And for the moment I've conquered the monster.

I Like to Wander

Its seems a little screwy, a little unusual. But I like to wander around big cities by myself. I think its the anonymity, the ability to encounter solitude while being part of a mass of human beings that attracts me. No one knowing my name, where I'm from, my life story. There is something freeing in this. It makes me stop and think. Then look around at everyone else. Both seem to be good for me (although thinking can get me in trouble sometimes and lead me in loops around my head). This is what the San Francisco portion of my spring break has been. Learning the city by car, public transportation and foot. I've allowed my mind to run amuck as I walk through the streets until I can't handle my own thoughts than stopped and stared at the Bay, the boats, the bridges and the people. It seems to pomote a feeeling of independence amidst anxieties about the future and moving away from the home and security I've built in Tacoma. And I have found pieces of the Bay that remind me of Puget Sound, slips of San Francisco that make me recall Buenos Aires. I've encountered a feeling of familiarity in this new experience. And a glimpse of what life could be like next year.

One Year Ago

One year ago today I was on my way to Argentina. I'm still nostalgic, still have my "one time in Argentina" moments. And the picture at the top of this very page is from my spring break in Mendoza. I kinda fell asleep on the side of the road near these gorgeous trees. And then of course had to take a picture to remember how great it was snoozing near the small town of Uspallata.

I'm planning on having another good, international trip in about five years. If I had endless funds this good international trip would happen, oh, tomorrow. But for now I'll just have my moments of nostalgia for BA (which by the way are all too appropriate considering it is the birthplace of the very melancholic and nostalgic tango) and continue watching Samantha Brown's various travels on the travel channel. And dream of my next international adventure.